Electric Underpants

1. Wash up some baby carrots for lunch.
2. Place carrots in computer bag and take to work.
3. Go out to lunch that day and forget about said carrots.
4. Discover carrots six weeks later when cleaning out computer bag.
5. Serve and enjoy.

Here’s episode three of the Two-Minute Conspiracy. This time we unveil the link between Sputnik, Rush Limbaugh and Jane Fonda…

Here’s the latest episode of the Two-Minute Conspiracy Theory. This time, we learn about Alger Hiss’ secret identity and the heroics of a certain cocker spaniel…

Some friends and I have started up a new humor website at alcaponesvault.com, where I am the head writer. This video was my first contribution. It tells the story of the actual conspirators behind the Kennedy Assassination…

Some say that “hair metal” (or “butt rock” or “mullet music” – take your pick) fizzled out when Nirvana topped the charts with Nevermind in 1991. But thankfully one band has repeatedly failed to get the message. This week, DeäthPänel releases a new album – their first since 2010’s masterpiece Spleen Crusher, and their 14th since 2009’s Your Fist or Mine? Their new offering, Hot Tube o’ Goo, represents a significant step forward on multiple fronts. For starters, they have added a third chord to their repertoire – probably A-minor – and it adds richness to epic guitar workouts like opening track “The Vagina Dialogues.” Lead guitarist Mick Simmons has reportedly been taking online lessons, and has nearly mastered the first eight bars of “Stairway to Heaven.” This dedication to his craft shines through during the intricate, almost touching, acoustic guitar break in first single “Touch My Left Nut with your Right Butt.”

But it’s not only the music that has reached a new level of sophistication. The lyrics have improved immeasurably over previous albums. Lead singer/lyricist Spike Vader recently married top pre-op transsexual model Danni Forrest, after a whirlwind courtship, but had the marriage annulled the next day, citing “irreconcilable differences.” This experience clearly touched Vader deeply and his anguished cries can be heard in the lyrics to the tender ballad “Shafted by Surprise”:

You looked so good in your low-cut dress,
your husky voice in my ears.
Didn’t notice the stubble in each caress,
Guess I’d had too many beers.

Hot Tube represents a new clarity of purpose for DeäthPänel, and the real hero may be drummer Skins Murphy, who overcame a crippling heroin habit prior to the start of recording. While not exactly clean and sober (he still huffs a mixture of kerosene and Portland cement) his devotion to maintaining a consistent, heavy beat almost all the way through every song brings life to what could have descended into a stagnant pool of metal sludge. Instead, the album reaches new heights of three-ish chord metal splendor. Highly recommended.

Here I am competing in the Helium Comedy Club “Funniest Person in Portland 2012” competition. I didn’t make it out of the first round this year, but I like to think I laid the groundwork for future greatness…

This album cover has been proclaimed one of the worst in history. But up until now we knew very little of The Faith Tones – their music and their personal lives. This video digs beneath the surface to reveal the true story of this extraordinary group.

This piece was created for the 2nd Annual McMinnville UFO Film Festival – and it won! The 18 and over category anyway. In my filmmaking class, I assigned a short Sci-Fi themed film to be produced specifically for the festival. Since I already had this idea, I asked for volunteers to work with me. They did a great job – especially when it came to filming Eddie and the crop circle.

For several years I’ve been teaching a set of filmmaking classes at Chemeketa Community College in Salem, OR. This year, in the narrative class, the big assignment was for the students to produce a web series. They were divided into four teams, with each team being in charge of producing one episode of roughly 10 minutes in length. To assist in the teaching, I agreed to produce the pilot episode which is below. Unfortunately, the production was plagued with problems: much of the footage was unusable because of a bad tape (never use recycled tapes!), there was a loud buzz through most of the audio, and some of the acting was, um, substandard. I had to rework the whole thing into 50’s-era training film style just to make it work. I included some footage from archive.org to round it out and it ultimately ended up being pretty good. We decided to use Nowhere Fast as the title to the series. The previous use of the name never went anywhere and it fits the subject matter. If you are interested in seeing all of the episodes, they are here: Nowhere Fast.