Electric Underpants

Not so much a typographical error as an editorial comment.

For you regular visitors to Electric Underpants Online – first, my apologies for not posting much for awhile. I’ve actually been working on a novel which is a big commitment for someone who rarely posts to his humor blog more than once a week, but it’s going pretty well. So far the story has aliens, Bigfoot, the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, Harry Truman (the guy killed in the Mt. St. Helens blast – not the ex-president) violent bodily excretions (of the alien type) pugs, D.B. Cooper and a genetically modified gorilla named “Steve.” I’ll try to post more as I get a chance. In the meantime, be sure and check out the Sketch Comedy Podcast Show by some friends of mine. They are very funny people and the podcast is always entertaining.

Here’s a link to their Facebook page.

And their website.

So like their Facebook page and listen to their podcast. You won’t be disappointed.*

*Not a guarantee. For example, maybe you decide to check out their podcast and are disappointed that there is only audio and no video. Or maybe you listen in hopes that they will offer the elusive key to happiness for those whose lives have been marked by unmet expectations. Or maybe you tune in hoping for hot celebrity gossip or gluten-free recipes. In any case, align your expectations with reality and you’ll be fine.

I don’t mean to pile on, but I got this at Starbucks the other day. I never really thought of my name as particularly hard to spell, but if I heard it and didn’t already know how to spell it, I don’t think this would be my first choice. I’d probably go for “Steeve” or “Stieve” or maybe even “Stēv.”

Here I am with some friends after our Ouija Board session got out of hand.

Not Pictured: Satan

Dear HBO Executives,

AKA: Home Boner Organization

I just wanted to write and thank you for your excellent service. If it weren’t for HBO, I would have no idea what bare breasts look like. Although I once accidentally walked in on my mom as she was coming out of the shower, but that’s an image I would prefer to forget. You see I am a 14-year-old boy and I have no other way to see boobs. My dad’s magazine stash is all fishing magazines and Readers Digest, and I don’t have an older brother to supply me with his porno-mag hand-me-downs. To top it off, I’m pretty much the Arnold Horshack of my school, if you know what I mean, so the chances are slim that I’ll be seeing real life boobs any time soon.

A showcase for Erik Estrada’s acting chops, but the boob shots are minimal.

Instead, my best friend Brian and I eagerly await the arrival of the HBO Program Guide at the beginning of every month and plan our sleepovers accordingly (my family has HBO but Brian’s family doesn’t even have cable yet!) Thanks to your handy ratings system, we know which movies will give us the best chance to see the boobs. We scan the program guide looking for all the movies with an “N” (nudity) rating. If the lead actress has a Swedish-sounding last name then so much the better. We’re less interested in movies with an “SC” (sexual content) rating. Those can be a big fake out. We’ve watched these before and been ready for lots of sex and nudity and have to settle for a couple of middle-aged people discussing their sexual hang-ups for two hours. “BN” (brief nudity) is okay, but sometimes it can be all too brief. We once watched an entire Erik Estrada movie and only saw about 10-seconds of boobs. I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it, but I wouldn’t want to watch Erik Estrada movies on a regular basis. Seriously, have you seen CHiPs? It sucks! Luckily we had to keep the sound off so my parents wouldn’t know what we’re watching, and that kept us from having to hear the dialogue.

I would like to suggest some additions to your ratings system to help make it easier for kids like us to get the content we want without wasting too much of our video game time. First of all, when you use “BN” how about telling us how much nudity can be expected? Maybe something like “BN-20” which would mean 20 seconds of brief nudity. That way Brian and I can decide if it’s worth sitting through an otherwise dull movie or switching over to the Atari for a game of

The “Citizen Kane” of womens’ prison movies.

Space Invaders. Also, maybe you could be a little more specific about the kinds of nudity we can expect. For example, the listing could read “BN-B-J-10.” That would translate to “Brief nudity with boobs that jiggle for 5 seconds.” Or the boobs could be “B” (bouncing), “XL” (extra large) or “S” (soapy.) Actually, it would also help to know at what point in the movie we can expect to see these boobs. During that lousy Erik Estrada movie there was some nudity around the 15-minute mark and then nothing again until almost the end. It would be nice to know that kind of thing in advance so we can play Space Invaders (Brian actually prefers BattleZone) in the gap between. That could look something like “BN-B-XL-10-15 and 70) which would translate to “brief nudity with extra large boobs for 10 seconds at 15 minutes and 70 minutes into the movie.) I know that sounds like a lot of work for you guys, but you’d be doing us a huge favor! Trust me, I’ve spent hours watching Sylvia Krystal wander the streets of European cities, but I’ve only seen her boobs for like three minutes. Finally, I’m hoping that you can throw in a “P” or a “D” or something when the nudity is of the male variety, so we can avoid those movies. I’m not concerned for myself, but I think Brian might have had some sort of awakening last time.

I hope this isn’t too much to ask. I dream that one day there will be some form of easy and limitless access to free porn – maybe something to do with computers – I don’t know. But until then, guys like me rely on your channel to get us through puberty.

Best regards,

Steve Cox

Big, big spider in the basement today. I know it’s hard to tell from the photo just how big this monster is, so I added another image to give a sense of scale.

Old comics are always better when updated for the modern reader:

The wife has this wall plaque that she picked up in Greece a few years ago. The first time I looked at it I was sure it said “Big Ass KABONG!” I don’t know what that means in Greek, but I’m going to use it as the name of my new band. I’m still trying to decide on the genre – probably either metal-ska or rockabilly rap.

On a return trip to Eureka, California recently, I was surprised to see that Honest Engine was still operating under its racially insensitive name 18 years after I moved away. Honest Engine is an auto repair shop that by most accounts does good work, but how do they defend the name?!?

An argument along the lines of “it’s a coincidence – we’re honest and we work on engines” might work if it wasn’t for the GIGANTIC FUCKING INDIAN-HEAD NICKEL sign on their building. That sign removes all plausible deniability. Folks, just because you made a pun doesn’t mean that it’s funny. Or that should name your business after it.

At least the sign has improved a little bit. If I recall correctly, it used to depict a white settler strangling a Native American with a timing belt.